Advice from a no-good do-gooder - in short, advice you daren't use.

The very fact that i have been asked to write for the college magazine as one of the exs invests certain glamour to growing old, and salvages a little of my much-battered and bruised pride. i now have the satisfaction of knowing that i have done at least two things successfully, in the eyes of the world -

(a) Go to college 

(b) Pass out of college. Barely.

It is especially useful, because it puts a new spin on my bio-data which read so till now;

Occupation: Tilting at windmills

Academic qualifications: Being the zillionth, totally vocationally-untrained graduate in India

Favourite pass time: Bugging the brother

Special talents: Playing second fiddle, being able to sneeze and talk at the same time, not yet having a cell-phone, being the only woman on the face of the earth who does not like Hritik Roshan's nose......it is quite a long list, but i do not like to boast - being convent educated might have something to do with it. 

That said, before i get lost in delirious self-congratulation over the been there done that part of being an ex-Christite, let me offer you some advice from The Endless Store of Creative Advice, Inc. one of my pet enterprises. i absolutely thrive on giving advice ( - A veritable horn of plenty, if you ask me. Strange, no one is beating down my door for a share of the wisdom..........curioser and curioser......). 

Here goes. A bulleted, easy-to-digest, clear-cut guide to having a life of quality;

• When (and if) you make enough money to build a house of your own, paint it in happy colours. i am currently confused between a maroon-blue-green-yellow combination and a black-orange-purple combination. If you have ever thirsted for admiring ques outside your house every waking moment, this would be the path to achieve it.

• Wear a helmet. The advantages are many. Use your imagination. You can then glare/cuss freely at insensitive aunties who insist on blocking your way on busy roads, and newbie drivers who toot horns every alternate second.

• To counter bouts of low self-esteem and doubts about one's intelligence, watch the Reshammiya wonder-flick 'Karzzz' (i hope i got the right number of zs, did i?) or the other film featuring the genius actor. The experience is guaranteed to leave you feeling like a possessor of abundant grey-matter - like Einstein, or Da Vinci.

• Be kind. Especially to inanimate or moronic forms of life like politicians, cows in the middle of our roads, rickshaw-wallas who insist on driving in creative zig-zags and pan-chewers who spit perfect arcs of spittle in precise trajectories. They are put there to try us, and hence build character.

• Do not use sunscreen. You will then acquire complexions in interesting shades of orange and brown. A good conversation starter.

• If there is only one thing that you can learn, learn how to raise just one eyebrow. Never fails to impress.

• To beat a blue mood, sing Reshammiya songs even outside the bathroom, as loud as you can make it. 'ta tananana tandoori nights....' is a personal favourite.  

• Do not pick your nose in public. It is a crime against humanity.

• Help little old ladies cross the street. You can vary the routine sometimes by asking them if they wish to cross the said street, before you help them do it.

• Acquire an interesting pet. A snake coiled around your arm is highly recommended. Creates feelings of awe in your fellow man. Or woman.

• Memorise Shakespeare, Kafka and Neruda. Research shows that spouting incomprehensible prose or, better still, poetry significantly ups one's intelligence quotient - in the minds of the listener, that is.

• Read Neil Gaiman. His disturbing dystopic stories will make the real world stop seeming so horrible to you.

• Get yourself a cat. All the feline disdain and utter lack of acknowledgement of your existence as anything other than a lump of matter attached to the fingers which scratch their backs, is good practice for the real world. It will make rude people  easy to bear.

• Reduce your carbon footprint. Save the water from your bath and water your plants with it. If your plants die, do not be discouraged. Water your neighbour's plants instead.

• Smile at street dogs. Their loyalty is easily gained and hard to lose.

• Do not smoke. If God meant you to resemble a chimney, He would have made you one.

• Do the mandatory good deed every day. If you follow any of the advice given above, it is your only chance at staying out of hell.
  

Disclaimer - 1 : None of the opinions in the above article reflect the author's own point of view. In fact, the author is a delusional, anti-social misfit with a death-wish, who had been abducted by aliens in infancy, and brought back to the planet in a state of extreme brain-washedness. Hence, it goes without saying that you follow any of it at your own sole, individual, own, personal, risk.

Disclaimer - 2 : I did not write this. No one saw me write this. Hence proved.